19710127 The Statue: David Niven Doesn’t Measure Up to His Well-Hung Statue and Goes Out to Find The Man.
19710107 The Horrible, Sexy Vampire: The Name Says it All.
& 19710120 Dynamite Chicken: Richard Pryor featured in this very dated sketch comedy movie. (A Fiesta 4)
Trailers, Commercials, A Work Safety Short, A Song by Cher & Glenn Campbell and more. The Full Fiesta 13 for January 1971.
We Rank This Full Fiesta 13 for January 1971 A Fiesta 8.
(A Fiesta 9)
19710117 Lust for A Vampire (Shudder) (A Fiesta 8) &
19710132 Countess Dracula (Shudder) (A Fiesta7)
Like a lot of horror fans, we’all went through a serious Hammer Horror movie phase. The big gothic sets, lurid coloring and the nice and lovely ladies spilling out of the bar wench cleavage dresses, a Hammer trademark. Hammer brought a veneer of class to gothic horror. Usually, that meant kind of slow plots, but as the excess of filmmaking of The 70’s bloomed, so did the exploitation elements of Hammer Gothics.
Most Hammer fans don’t like Lust for a Vampire. Too crude. Campy. Why, there’s actual nudity. A healthy dose. We’all liked it. There’s solid vampire, satanic rituals up front with a unique skeleton to vampire scene. The movie takes place at a Girls’ Finishing School where everyone wears those bar maid dresses. So, plenty of victims for the new vamp girl at school. There’s a Game Show Dracula. Dumb guys who think they are the hero. A sexy vampire to lust. And lots of oblivious, often topless, food to munch. While not groundbreaking, Lust for a Vampire does deliver the vamp goods.
(A Fiesta 8)
Ever drink a bowl of fresh, warm, human blood?
Everyone should try it. In Training C, every Wednesday was The Double Dare Hump. The House Patrons would devise dares for the 8-12 year olds, the trainees. On reflection, these dares might have been subtle ways to get us to comply to the ridiculous as if the bizarre was normal. Do the batshit insane enough times…
And you normalize the bananas. The creeping crazy buy-in.
So, one day, all of us pre-individuals on the Fiesta Compound were given a warm bowl of, we were told, human blood. Don’t ask how. Don’t ask why. Just drink.
Drink. Good for you, they said. Builds strong bones. All said, about 64 ounces of blood in a faux wooden bowl that we’all were lap up, thirsty wolf hound-style. A Blood Double Gulp. No added cherry flavoring. No celery. No salt rim.
Blood tastes like pennies, copper and metallic. This is the first taste I can remember. We’alls’ earliest memory. Blood. Copper. As, to acclimate to the concept of money, trainee babies would be forced to suck on pennies, one at a time. This, The Patron Theory goes, gives the individual a taste for money, a physical yearning and addiction. Also, giving babies pennies as pacifiers weeded out the dumber babies. Quickly.
We’all drank the blood as fast as possible, vomiting back up about a third into our lap bowl as the gag reflex is a slippery monster. The taste wasn’t the problem. The thick,
Then, The Head Patron revealed, behind a curtain another 8-12 year-old female lying in a glass tomb. She was blue, naked & dead. Exsanguination. The HP told us her newly re-adjusting super uterus just exploded inside her, taking a new gland and three old ones, killing her quickly with extreme pain over 24 hours.
Science has sacrifices. Facts don’t care about your screaming. Trust the Algorithm, Patrons were quick to say. Always.
It happens, The Head Patron said. It could happen to you. At any time. Enjoy life and masturbate and head toward Hedonism. It’s the only escape.
About a third of us vomited up more blood in the lap bowl. Kari? Krista? Keister? What was the dead girl’s name? We’all weren’t encouraged to learn names. Kay, the blood, thicker in the stomach, shot back out like being choked with metallic molasses in reverse. She was a nice girl, Kim? Yesterday, she bragged, bragged, that’d she’d have 25 new individuals by 30. 15 by 20. Superstars.
Only 3 of us were able to hold down any blood at all. The half gallon milk chaser narrowed us down from 20 to 3. The Double Dare Hump winner: a mousy wisp, part rabbit, part bat, received FREE Double Chocolate Chip Mint Ice Cream instead of Cricket Paste for supper that night. We’all never had had ice cream and heard good things.
While, We’all technically passed the Double Dare, all we’all got were tiny, painful slivers in our throat from the violent coughing. Coughing so bad, we blacked out three times, a mouthful of blood.
Now, I think of the Blood Bowl Winner every time I pee. Her winning photo, this mousey girl using her full forearm to wipe a streak of dripping, matted blood off her toothy smile.
The photo was above my Urine Sucker, eye-level. A stare down.
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The Countess really loves blood in this classic Hammer Horror, Countess Dracula. A Dorian-Grey plot line, has the future Lady Dracula killing virgins and bathing in their blood to keep her body smokin’ hot & young. Ingrid Pitt goes all-out enjoying her younger body. We’d be straight-up whores if we had her body and our depraved brain, too. Fuck the wind if we could. The blood only works for a day or so, then it’s a new dead virgin time. Gyp. And the eternal question remains: Just what qualifies someone to be a virgin?
The sets, the costuming, the cast, all were top-notch and made Pitt an even bigger star.
How many would you kill to remain young? One? Five? All?
How much blood would you drink?
Pretty sure we’all could choke down 128 ounces of the red stuff today.
And that’s just for the ice cream.
![Countess Dracula (1971) ORIGINAL TRAILER [HD]](https://i0.wp.com/i.ytimg.com/vi/e_WQ6vDLYKQ/0.jpg?resize=420%2C295&ssl=1)
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