The Couch-Bound Icarus, Clipped and Pedicured, 126 Days Into This Here Year of Fun.

1. Finish Application to Forbes 500 Poorest List.
Need Old Newspapers, Usable Blood and A Stamp.

2. Recalculate Inspiration Index to Include More Perspiration, Less Exasperation.

3. This Week’s News This Morning:

Mon–Man Staples Nuts, Writes Song, Becomes YouTube Sensation, Gets Pistachio Commercial, Millionaire by 5, Bath Salt Addict and Broke by 8:30pm.

Tues–Nut Stapling Incidents Overrun Nation’s Hospitals. Summer of The Nut Proclaimed by Nation’s Media, 47 Pro-Nut Bills Passed in Special Session.

Wed–Syria Starts WW3 by Bombing Israel. (Sect. C23, NYT)

Thurs–Nation’s Nut Stapling Fever Peters Out With ABC Show, My Baby Can Staple More Nuts Than Yours.

Fri–Friday Fluff Day. Lady Staples Labia, Writes Song, Becomes Minor Vimeo Sensation, Bit Part on After Chelsea, Thousandaire by 7, Financially Secure for Two Weeks, Called ‘Bitch’ by News Media.

Sat/Sun–Closed.